Who am I?

Hi. I'm 51 years old. I weigh 250 pounds. I'm married with three teenagers. And I hate my life.  

I've been married 23 years, most of which have not been fabulous.  First lesson: never, never, never, NEVER ignore red flags. Never!  I think back to before we were married, and I saw the red flag and I didn't pay attention.  That one little niggling thought that I assumed was inconsequential.  It is NEVER inconsequential.

I have to qualify everything by acknowledging that we are both broken people -- all of us are a little bit broken in one way or another.  I have my issues from my childhood, most of which I've dealt with to some degree or another.  Maybe it's just an acknowledgement of, "Oh!  That's why I do this." But I can recognize it and realize how it affects me and my relationships.  It shows up in many ways: I never feel like I'm good enough or important enough or do it right; I lie incredibly easily - doesn't phase me at all.  Those are the 2 that still impact my life on a daily basis.

BAJ is also broken, moreso than I ever knew.  He has struggled with depression in a significant way for the past 10 years.  This includes job loss, 2 hospitalizations, therapy, lack of motivation, retreating, becoming an absent parent.  This illness has affected our entire family.  All the kids have mental health issues of some sort, they do not like their dad much, and I am tired of living with it.

Don't get me wrong: I am not a heartless bitch.  I have supported and encouraged and challenged and loved every step of the way, all while navigating through life as a single parent. I have used food to comfort me and keep me going, I have made a mess of my children and I want out of this marriage.

We've had the conversation. Three significant times.  Each time, I brought it up and he argued against it (obviously). Then he made some changes that convinced me that, okay...maybe there is some hope here.  But there isn't. The changes never last. He thinks he's doing better, and in some ways he is, but not in the ways I need.  

So, about 4 or 5 months ago I thought, well, I'm not really sure what I thought, but for some reason I created a profile on Ashley Madison.  Yes, the website whose tag line is, "Life is short. Have an affair."  When I signed up I wasn't in the place where I thought I could even THINK about actually meeting someone and actually having an affair.  I just felt like I wanted something FUN, something for me.  I've spent so many years doing everything for everybody else. 

The other factor was that I had been reading erotica as an escape for quite some time.  And we had not been intimate for QUITE some time.  I wanted to experience some of what I read.  But I had/have no desire to experience it with him.  That part of our relationship is dead.  The idea is...awful to me.  But with someone who could bring out the sensual, sexy part of me...suddenly I wanted it.